Ah, porn. The cure for horny. The tickler of pickles. The wetter of panties. It’s an art form that has been around since the dawn of time, and with countless scenes available at our fingertips (or should I say, less innocently, at our dicks), it’s time to delve into the world of The Best (and Worst) Porn Scenes of All Time.
Now, before you get all in a tizzy, let me clarify- this is no ordinary porn review. I’m not here to x-ray the details of everyday porn. I’m here to talk about the porn that makes you squirm in your seat and want to fuck the furniture. The scenes so hot that you have to blotch your eyes from your computer screen. So get ready, folks, because we’re about to get down and dirty.
The Best Porn Scenes of All Time
You know the saying, “If you’ve seen one porn scene, you’ve seen them all”? Well, that’s bullshit, plain and simple. There are some scenes that are so mind-bogglingly hot, so scorchin’ and delicious, that they make the rest of the porn catalog look like a goose down quilt. So let’s get started with the best of the best.
- Top of the Heap: Any scene with the one and only Jenna Haze. I don’t care what she’s doing, who she’s doing it with, or if she’s even tangentially related to porn. She’s a goddess. A hot, wet, sweaty, squishing, screaming goddess.
This woman invented porn when she banged her first dick on screen. She’s been turning men and women on for years, and there’s no sign of her slowing down. Every single one of her scenes is a work of art, and if you haven’t seen at least one of them, you need to reassess your priorities. Go. Now. Before I smack you upside the head with a porn DVD.
- Second Best: The infamous DP scene from the movie “The Opening of Misty Beethoven.” If you don’t know what DP stands for, you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and admit that you’re a porn-ignorant loser. Seriously. It’s double penetration, and it’s hot as fuck.
This scene is a marvel of porn engineering, with one dick in her ass and another in her pussy, and Paula in the middle, moaning and groaning and orgasming like there’s no tomorrow. It’s a masterpiece. It’s a porno fucking symphony. It’s everything I ever wished for in a porn scene, and then some.
- Third Best: The throat-fucking scene from Vivid’s “I Can’t Believe I Fucked My Best Friend’s Mom.” The title may be deceiving, but the scene is anything but. It’s hot, it’s deep, and it’ll make you want to throat-fuck your best friend’s mom. If you haven’t, you’re missing out on one of life’s great pleasures.
Never Spank
Alone Again
The Worst Porn Scenes of All Time
No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can’t escape the fact that some porn scenes are just plain horrible. The kind of horrible that makes you want to take a shower, wash your eyeballs, and never speak of it again. These are those scenes.
- Worst of the Bunch: The anal scene from “Buttman’s Brazilian Bonanza.” This scene is not only a crime against porn, but a crime against humanity. The cameraman’s hand is in frame for the entire scene, and he’s obviously masturbating. It’s disgusting, it’s unprofessional, and it should be illegal.
If you’re going to make a porn video, at least have the decency to keep your hands off the camera and off your dick. Nobody wants to see your sad, pathetic excuse for a porn scene. Seriously, man. Get a life.
- The Predictable: The scene from “Big Tits, Little Muffins” where the girl gets a creampie. It’s not that creampies are bad by any means. I love a good, sloppy creampie as much as the next person. It’s just that this particular scene is so goddamn predictable that it’s painful to watch. It’s like watching a dead horse getting a lobotomy. It’s depressing and boring.
The girl is a porn actress, for Christ’s sake. She’s supposed to get fucked. It’s in her job description. So why is anyone surprised when she gets a creampie at the end of the scene? Seriously, porn people. Please. Stop the madness.
- The Unbearable: The clown scene from Ginger Lynn’s “The Ginger Lynn Show.” I don’t care how many porn-loving heathens out there are turned on by a clown getting his dirty clown dick sucked by a porn star. I can’t fucking stand it. It’s so fucked up, so depraved, so mind-boggingly sickening, that I think I might have to vomit just writing about it.
If I have to see one more clown getting his dick sucked by a porn star, I might actually send a letter to the Pope or the President or whoever the hell is in charge of keeping clowns wholesome. Seriously, dudes. Clowns are supposed to make children laugh, not get their cocks stroked by horny porn actresses. For the love of all that is holy, go back to doing circus tricks.
So there you have it, folks. The best and worst porn scenes of all time. Some are hotter than a Hula dancer’s cooch, while others are colder than a witch’s tit. But one thing’s for sure- they’re all fucking porn scenes. And in my book, that’s a pretty goddamn good thing.
